honestly

i dont know how to be honest anymore without being too honest. its either mean and hurtful or a complete lie. my head always hurts now and i dont think i usually write this way. i think its this damn macbook, its so bright all the time. wow i just fixed it. i'm watching remember me. i really like it. lately i've been thinking a lot about random people and everything that every person goes through. i've been listening to one year six months because i always love that song. i loved it 18 months ago. and 18 months before that. and everytime i listen to it i think about where i was one year, six months ago and where i might be one year, six months from now. i think about who is in my life right now and what's happening because i'll listen to it again later on, in a year and a half, and try to remember what it was like right now. but i won't remember because i can't remember much. i like the word impressionable because to me it sounds soft and that just kind of defines it. lately i've been alone or with my friends and family and i still am alone and i don't know why. i just understood what its like to be with a million people and feel like you're in an empty room. that happens to some people, i honestly don't know what that means about me. i'm still thinking about the whole thing that happened. i don't want to but i lay in this bed and i feel it sometimes and then i watch movies and if it reminds me of it, i'll think of it. and it'll make me sad again but only for a minute. because then it turns to anger and i feel dissappointed in myself and in you too i guess. but mostly in myself. this can apply to so many different people and situations in my life, but for some reason one just trumps the rest. you've trumped the rest for four fucking years. thanks for letting me waste all that time. you really turned out to be the exactly opposite of what i thought you were. i hope sometime soon you stop showing up in my thoughts and in this blog and hopefully everywhere.

its like when you're playing charades and someones doing all these insane actions and you have no idea what's happening and then somebody else says a word and you start to understand what this action could maybe be. and then you start to get it and everyone else around you thinks you have no idea whats going on because at first your face read that and you've been silent the whole time, not contributing at all. and then the player makes a motion and you think you have it so you shout it at the top of your lungs because you're positive you're right about these actions and this thing that someone is trying to convey and for some reason no one hears you and it takes you half a second to realize you were wrong and that you actually didn't know what the hell you were talking about at all. but what really bothers you is that you screamed for the first time and nobody heard you, they just kept playing. they just kept going.



i hope to god no one reads this. but i guess they already did.