i'm so happily sitting in a place where i've sat for fourteen years. i've come back to this home and left it. i've seen such love and such turmoil in these rooms. i know who matters in the world and what to be scared of now.

today i walked in between two cars and remembered a time when i used to be terrified of that because i was convinced of the possibility that someone might be underneath the car. and now i know that it's kind of unlikely. but i thought about it and if i died today, right now, i don't think it'd matter. i think i'd be okay with it. and i'd be sorry for everyone else around me because i know death is inconvenient and sad but as i just told a friend, sad ideas don't guarantee sadness. this doesn't really make sense. it's just the way thoughts come out in my head.

i'm so excited to get home. to school. my home at school. this place will always be home first, next wherever all of my belongings are and lastly where my dad houses me.

i spent a lot of time with paige over this break and it was so nice. she's a good friend to have. we always laugh so hard together. i think of my relationship with paige in cars. always. for whatever reason. because we always ride together if we're going to the same place. it probably has something to do with that one summer of ours, too. and a conversation comes up where we sat in my driveway and had a long talk. i'm comfortable in cars. and i'm comfortable with paige. and we had a conversation about friendship today and growing up that i know is true. and i know i'll stay friends with paige for a long time.


i want to write how i feel but i really don't know the words to make the feeling come alive so i'm just going to let it sit inside of me and stay there.